Revised Introduction

To really start off the revising of my draft, I will completely rewrite my introduction. Below you can find the original as well as the revised versions, and I will also reflect on why I believe the revised version is better.

Wally Hartshorn. "Old Shoes, New Shoes." 2-17-2010 via Flickr.
Public Domain

I like the second version better because I feel like it's more thought out and detailed. While writing it I felt like it sounded more confident, and I also managed to include an updated thesis. Starting it off with "you" makes me a little uncomfortable, but I think including the audience is a must to get them interested. The use of "you" was never okay in high school, so it's hard to break out of that stigma. I think rewriting the intro with the original right there was extremely useful. I was able to include the information I wanted but in a better thought out way.

Original Intro:
Today is similar to the past in that there are always mixed views on U.S. Education and how it should be setup. In Andy Kessler’s article, “Our 19th Century Curriculum,” published on October 8, 2012, he argues that education needs to change to reflect the future of careers. According to his biography from his website, Kessler was a graduate from Cornell University, and has published work for a variety of newspapers and magazines, such as Forbes and Wall Street Journal. Kessler’s background provides him the credibility to claim what he does. By using dramatic word choice and tone, and by providing concise details about the issue, Kessler has created an effective argument in that it makes the reader want to agree with the existence of the problem Kessler presented.

Revised Intro:
If you are a parent, a student, a teacher, or anyone interested in how education in America is set up, then you have probably heard about the old argument about radically reinventing the education system. In Andy Kessler’s article, “Our 19th Century Curriculum,” published on October 8, 2012, he argues that education needs to change to reflect the future of careers, something that was not seen as radical when education first started. But now, this undertaking would disrupt a lot in education, and many see change as too risky or problematic. However, Kessler argues that this change, whatever it may turn out to be, must happen. Kessler is someone who has grounds to argue this, because he graduated from Cornell University and has gone on to publish multiple books, and has written for many famous journals or papers. These include, but are not limited to, Forbes Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, and New York Times. This amount of publication gives Kessler the credibility to comment on this subject, and it makes it easier for readers to believe him, or at least give his argument a chance. By also employing strong word choice with a variety of language, and a strong and confident tone, Kessler's article on changing education is effective at convincing his audience that the education system should be changed.